In this new segment “Danny Interviews…” Danny comes face to face with James (who’s real name we’ve kept anonymous for insta-safety reasons), an infamous, serial insta-unfollower. The room is eerily quiet as James walks in and takes his seat across Danny, the producers count down from 3 and the interview begins.
Danny: Welcome to the show James, it’s a pleasure to have you.
James: Cheers Danny, the pleasure’s all mine mate!
Danny: (Shows his phone screen to the camera) So I was looking at your Instagram earlier today , very impressive. 12,000 followers and you’re following 0, that’s quite the accomplishment! Tell me, James, how did you achieve such a feat?
James: (Chuckles nervously) Haha well, I don’t know really! I guess people just really like my pics!
Danny: That’s a fair point, that’s a fair point. In fact, I’m looking at one of your pictures right now. (Hands phone to James) What would you say makes this picture such a masterpiece?
(James continues to smile, the phone shakes in his hand)
Danny: Because, personally, I don’t see anything particularly amazing about a 3-pixel picture of you eating a cheeseburger? Yet it has 2,000 likes?
James: It’s what the people want.
Danny: What do you do for a living James?
James: I’m a plumber.
Danny: Not a model?
James: Not a model. (Winks) But I should be.
Danny: (Muttering) I wouldn’t hold my breath
James: (Slightly agitated) Excuse me?
Danny: Let’s just get straight to the point, shall we?
Danny: We’ve invited you here because you were recently the highlight of a trending hashtag on Twitter – “FuckJames” – supposedly due to your prolific following-unfollowing practice on Instagram.
(James laughs out loud and repeats ‘FuckJames’ to himself)
Danny: I see you find it rather amusing. I take it you don’t agree with it?
James: Well, it’s not exactly like that mate. You see, I don’t follow people to unfollow them… they just let me down.
Danny: (Danny sits up in his chair, seemingly bewildered) They… let you down? Care to elaborate?
James: I give everyone a fair chance to impress me Danny, that’s what Instagram is for lad! But everyone’s so boring! So they gotta go bro.
Danny: But you’re exciting? I bet you have a million missed calls from Tom Cruise asking just how you do it so he can emulate it for the next Mission Impossible movie!
James: Well I still have 20,000 of em so I must be doing something right!
Danny: You don’t think it’s not because a lot of them haven’t noticed you’ve unfollowed them hours after following them in the first place?
James: Maybe. But an hour’s a long time, not my fault bro.
Danny: I’m sorry but I’m shocked. Why promise to follow someone back if you’re just going to back on it. Do numbers really mean that much to you?
James: I DO follow back though! That’s the thing hahaha, I’ve never gone back on my promise.
Danny: You know what I mean, we both know when someone asks you to follow back it’s done with the intention of it being for beyond an hour.
James: Speak for yourself bruv.
Danny: I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce Sarah into the interview. You know Sarah right?
James: Dunno mate, name rings a bell I guess.
Danny: Too many unfollowed to count?
(James gives a wry smile and leans back on his chair)
James: Please welcome Sarah to the show ladies and gentleman.
(The audience cheer and applause as Sarah storms in, her shouting and cursing is muffled by the loud noise. James is taken off guard as he swoops around in his chair, confronted by the enraged face of a young, red-haired woman;)
Sarah: (Screaming) You’re a real c*nt, you know that right?
Sarah: Ya f*cking pr*ck.
Danny: (Interceding) Language, Sarah.
(Sarah takes to her seat, the smile on James’ face has been replaced with a look of dread)
Danny: James, Sarah tells us that you both met on a night out where you engaged in friendly conversation and exchanged social media handles with the understanding that you would follow each other accordingly, correct?
James: Uhhh, I think so. I mean, I don’t really remember but it kinda sounds like me so yeah.
Sarah: Don’t remember my arse. I thought you was really nice aswell!
James: I am nice darling.
Sarah: So why did you unfollow me TWENTY MINUTES after I left the club?
(Loud groans from the audience, several are shaking their heads. James rises to his feet in protest)
James: Listen. None of you know what its like to be me, to have so many followers, so much responsibility! (He motions to his chest) It’s tough being so wildly popular, everyone wants a little piece of you. But what about me? No one ever asks about me! It’s all ‘why did you unfollow me?’ this and ‘why did you unfollow me?’ that but no one thinks about how i’m feeling!
(James walks towards Sarah and takes her by the hand, at first she is apprehensive but he holds on tight)
James: Sarah, I wholeheartedly apologise if my actions recently have offended you. You’re a beautiful, eloquent lass and I’d hate to mess you around-
Danny: Eloquent? I’m sorry but this is bull-
James: (Continues) and to show you how apologetic I am, I’d like to do this one thing for you.
(James takes his phone from his pocket and holds it high in the air, the audience gawp in awe)
James: That’s right. I’m gonna follow her now. Because, you see, life has a funny way of connecting two dots from opposite poles, worlds, galaxies, heavens! And the line may be squiggly, I mean real squiggly, but somehow… we get there.
(Sarah sobs extremely loudly, tissues are brought to her to help muffle the noise but she bats them away)
Sarah: Th-th-that w-was sooo beautiful!
James: (Gets on one knee, he holds the phone towards her in the other. The screen is on her instagram page) Sarah, will you be my one and only followed?
Sarah: (Delighted) I will! I will! (she taps ‘follow’)
James: That’s great. Imma just pop to the loo for a quick second babe. (exits)
Danny: Well, there you have it folks. Our unfollower seems to have seen the error of his ways and corrected them accordingly. Let this be a lesson to any other unfollowers out there who partake in such a dishonest, disingenuous, immoral, malignant, venomous, selfish, dishonourable, ugly, disgusting, absolutely atrocious, nasty, vile, filthy, sickening, horri-
Sarah: OH MY GOD THE F*CKER’S UNFOLLOWED ME AGAIN! HE’S DONE IT AGAIN!
(The camera pans out slowly as the audience’s applause mutes the host and his guest. Danny reclines in his sofa, hoping that this interview doesn’t set a precedent for the following interviews to come… It probably will)
Instagram is honestly an hilarious place with some very funny people who do very, funny things. I can’t help but laugh once someone who followed me unfollows me once I return the favour. It’s seriously weird and I’ve always imagined what goes on in the minds of these people, what size is the ego that drives such activity? In reality, I reckon an ‘interview’ like this would really go: “Oh man, really? Damn, I never knew man, must be a glitch or something, Instagram is always messing up haha!” >_>
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this new segment, I’ll be looking to conduct more interesting interviews so feel free to suggest any if you’d like.
This would also be a great time to plug my instagram 😉